I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
