now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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