Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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