All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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