I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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