By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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