the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
