well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
