just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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