the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's no shave November. This is our time.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
