Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
