My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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