so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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