There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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