How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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