She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
