I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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