i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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