there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
