Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
