Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
