Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
