okay pat passed out under dana's car
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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