What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
