I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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