Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
