I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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