just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
