Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
