PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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