I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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