return my video game
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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