But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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