Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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