Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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