I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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