Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...