So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
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Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??