so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
