I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
