oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
