worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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