i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
