Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
