what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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