ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
