hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
