ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
