How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
