barbara walters just said penis...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She bit a glass in half.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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