so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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