i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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