my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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