And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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