You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
