Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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