I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
