I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
