Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
