Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
