So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
