yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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