My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
