The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize